The Jump Off Standard

Recession America: Episode 2

2009-07-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

Recession America

Check out the Trailer here:

Bruno Movie

2009-04-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hilarious. Enough said. Actually not enough because I have more. I need this movie before July.

Ying Yang Twins On Cribs Translated Into Actual English

2009-03-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

Oh thats what they were talking about...

Jesus is a showoff....

2009-03-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

Nice Jesus. Nice.

Those are my favorite things too....

2009-03-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

I think I would fit in at this party....

2009-03-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

I dont know if anyone got laid at this party but there is talk of some robot pie and we know that robot punany is delicious.

DaveFox goes to Wondercon!

2009-03-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Interviews of famous and not so famous characters such as R2D2, will from will and grace, JJ Abrams and some randoms. Check it out. You will LOL at least once.

I just LOL'ed my pants. brb......

Can you Crip Walk while on a treadmill...

2009-03-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

No, no you cannot Crip Walk while on a treadmill. Its still funny to see someone try though. Enjoy.

Wannabe Ghetto Wangster Crip Walk Failure

If he landed a little more on his neck he would get to do a real life crip walk all the time.

Get humor videos at NothingToxic

Wassssuppppp......

2009-02-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

Original

Kid Version

Girlfriend Version

Jewish Version

Something all white kids can relate too...

2009-02-28T11:38:00.001-08:00

Remember when hip hop lyrics were actually telling a story and not just about rolling whips and getting brain in the club. Well if you forgot enjoy.

The Standard's Associate Tries to Buy Pot......

2009-02-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

Dave Fox was missing for a couple days than we found this footage. Enjoy.

Asian Friday!!!!

2009-02-27T13:45:00.000-08:00

So this video never really ends, but you can't stop watching it. Its just this fat asian kid dancing. No big funny pay off. He just dances thats it. Try to stop watching it..you can't. Plus when do you see an Asian kid dancing? Really....I don't think I have ever seen one dance. I saw one do karaoke once.

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

Over the Top Ping Pong Celebration....

2009-02-27T12:53:00.001-08:00

Sadly this is probaly the biggest moment of this kid's life. He does break it down though with the dance. Kinda.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

P.S. Look at audience. What does it tell you? It tells you that Asian people love ping pong. Its a fact. Think about it playing competitive ping pong is hard enough to explain to someone but going to just watch someone play compeptive ping pong is a whole other level. Cheers Asian Ping Pong Watchers for making the guy playing have some sort of dignity.

Ash Wednesday...

2009-02-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ash Wednesday gets its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of the faithful as a sign of repentance. The ashes used are gathered after the Palm Crosses from the previous year's Palm Sunday are burned.

"Jesus Forehead Pound!!!"

So today is Ash Wednesday and people across America are getting some Jesus ash put on the forehead to show how bad ass christianity is. I mean how bad ass do you look with some cross made of ash on your forehead? Thats like some medieval battle shit. Cheers to Jesus folks for this legend holiday. Jews have something similar known as Sukkot where they build a shelter and hit branches against themselves in honor of nature. Actually thats not similar at all. Never mind. So if you see a Jesus kid with some ash on his forehead give him a pound on it as I'm guessing thats what they do. I mean I'm not an expert but we here at the Standard pride ourselves on being factual. Did you know for example that Jesus was originally from Indiana?

Sex and Drugs + HYPERCRUSH = Anagbo

2009-02-25T15:27:00.000-08:00

HYPERCRUSH is LEGEND....Wait for it.....DARY

2009-02-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

This made me laugh....

2009-02-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

P.S. I will post an actual post of my own thought rather than just reposting shit I find on the internet....eventually

He's $ (money)

2009-02-24T09:41:00.000-08:00

Here at the Standard we have been having some dialogue with one another and have found that we disagree on quite a few things. Example:

"I think we should change our credo to 'wherever there is pussy, the standard is not far'"

"Yea, Gin sucks! Only grandpa's and grandma's like it."

"If its not pussy then it should be whiskey"

"Yea, gin sucks"

This conversation goes on until one of us has the balls to punch the other one in the face. Basically the bickering never ends, But one thing we do agree on is that this guy-

DAVEFOX
IS HILARIOUS

CHECK HIM OUT

MC POOH

2009-02-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

When I first looked at this album cover I had to make a double take.
Is this the SHAQ album I dont have? Yet. No, I have all the SHAQ albums on cassette...Didn't get a Cd player until I got my bar mitzvah money, cha ching$.

Okay but all the jokes aside, what is this album about and what does this rapper, MC Pooh, want his audience to think when they see his album cover?

He wants us to think that MC POOH is the shit.

Any suggestions?

Reasons why I think this album cover didn't hit its mark:

there is just too much to interpret.

(take another look on the right)

is he showing us where he parties?
does it smell so bad he needs to wear sunglasses to shade his eyes?
is he being born?
is he about to eat it? Eat what? Both? Really?.....
does MC Pooh have a heel fetish to go along with his appreciation of funky ass?
this may be blatantly obvious, but is he being poo'ed out?
is it funky to be poo'ed out of a girl wearing heels?
is the 'brown eye' blinking?

President What??

2009-02-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

This officially is too amazing on its own for any commentary by the Standard...President.

P.S. Eric Samuels is one bad ass looking President.

Davefox talks about important issues

2009-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

check out his other videos

Those Photobombing Motherfuckers.....

2009-02-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

Check the site out for more of these Superstars

Now that's a scary shit.

2009-02-16T20:18:00.000-08:00

I hope that this is photoshopped.

Maybe the lion just likes to watch. Its possible. I had this friend once and he would set up camera's in his parents house and watch his gf take dumps...

Is Charles Barkley more untouchable than Michael Phelps?

2009-02-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

Here at the standard we don't really do any research and usually have no deep thought regarding our posts. But this post is different, this post is serious. I used it, the s word, s-e-r-i-o-u-s. Kinda.

So Phelps, smoked a bong (who hasnt) and his picture was ciruclated through the media. Bad M. Phelps, you shattered so many dreams but then again, you smoked pot and still swim like the world champion. You must still be an exceptional person.

Sir Charles Barkeley, you are obviously drunk every single time you are on TV and you got pulled over and charged for a DUI. You then tried to excuse your actions becasue you were on your way to get the best blow jay ever just around the block.

Above are two seperate cases and this is where I am going to make a little commentary. Phelps, got dumped by Kellog and was told that he disappointed people. Barkeley probably got a movie deal and a small slap on the wrist, maybe paid some money to get his DUI dealt with and he most definitely still got that blow jay.

The point? A DUI can cause death, the death of innocents, the wreckages of properties, and the end of lives.

Smoking a bong, the consequences? A lack of short term memory, red eyes, and an unyielding desire to eat everything in sight no matter how strange it may sound (artichoke dip with cheetos, seriously good).

Phelps should be applauded for not getting a DUI and choosing the society safe alternative, marijuana.

Sir Charles, should not be allowed on TV and should be put in Jail for reckless endangerment thus setting an example to the US that drunk driving is a serious offense.
That's the s word again.

My cousin Jolly Judd

2009-02-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Judd doesn't have many friends. This one time my mom made me take him to the warf to eat clam chowder. He ate so much they had to close the warf at 2pm for the rest of the day.

I told him that he's so fat that he cant see his dick and he sent me this video-

New Seth Rogan Flick

2009-02-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

It seems pretty good, has twin asians, drugs and vomit. That's a recipe for success.

Observe and Report

check yourself before you wreck yourself

2009-02-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

So this cat is walking through the forest and cant kill shit. He smoked too much pot and had some really good sex the night before and is now so fucking hungry. "fuck it," he tells himself, "im just an addict and i cant live without it."
Apparently this drug, leaves of some shit gets you high and then you can hunt like the jaguar that also uses the drug.

Animals and humans aren't that different after all.

Jaguar eating ayahausca
Uploaded by ayadocs

thats some good shit

We here at the Standard Have The Biggest Party....EVER

2009-02-07T18:35:00.001-08:00

Legend Track

2009-02-07T18:15:00.001-08:00

MSTRKRFT ft. NORE - BOUNCE

At The Standard We Go Hard Tell Em Jay Z....

2009-02-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

We asked Jay Z to change Brooklyn to the Standard but he just hung up so yea.

How Bout Dat Music??

2009-02-07T13:14:00.001-08:00

How bout it folks???? How bout some new beats and riffs to get dumb to? I recommend checking out these jams.

Ragged Wood- The Fleet Foxes

Crying- Tv On The Radio

When It Wears Off- Overview

Help I'm Alive- Metric

I Got Mine- Black Keys

Blows To The Temple- Common

Gold and A Pager- Cool Kids

Mirando-Ratatat

The King Of That Guy...

2009-02-06T22:35:00.001-08:00

The Group Pic

2009-02-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

Why do girls insist on always taking a group pic together? Is it neccesarry when they pre game that they all take a picture together doing ridiculous poses that would never occur naturally?

If I was with a bunch of guys and said "Hey guys lets all take a group pic and we'll all do crazy poses!!!" two things would happen: First I would get laughed at and Second they would beat the shit out of me in a group while taking pictures.

NPH IS....

2009-02-06T21:30:00.001-08:00

Suit Up!

Link: http://www.fuckyeahneilpatrickharris.com/

Possibly The Biggest Tool on TV Is.....

2009-02-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

ZAK BAGANS

First of all this guy spells his name first name Zak instead of Zach like every other Zach in the world, but no his name is too cool for the CH. I knew a Zak once I think he got into steroids to try and get chicks but just had his balls shrink. Anyways second of all his last name is Bagans. I don't care who you are if your last name is Bagans you either are a Tea Baggin Fanatic or bitch ass bag boy at the grocery store. You do not host a Ghost Hunting Show expecting us to consider you an expert in something that doesen't even exist.

He also talks shit to the ghosts like hes some sort of hard ass. I can't believe I sat through an episode of this shit. This guy talked shit to air on national television and he got paid for it. Bums talk shit to the air all the time and they don't get paid jack. The worst part is there are two other guys who agree with everything this douch says so he probaly goes through life as if he actually accomplishes something. He's also scared half the time and starts to run away. How can this guy be alive? Seriously I feel sorry for his parents. His dad must watch this show and think wow I wish my father was never born so I was never born so this douch of son was never born. Zak Bagans is beyond a tool when I think about it. He's a fuckin Bagans. Any time you see a kid and think wow what a douch just let him know he's a fucking Bagans.

Cool website maybe check it out?

2009-02-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

so you enter in your text and out comes some crazy stuff. im not very creative.....

www.wordle.net

Funky Fresh of the Week

2009-02-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Screw that M&M guy, this dude is for real. The real white boy hip hop. I'm waiting for his world tour to come around, its called, "Killa Kilbasa Klan." They are in no way related to the KKK.

USF's World Renowned Public Safety Have Done It Again...

2009-01-31T11:22:00.000-08:00

University of San Francisco's Public Safety department is known for its hard hitting facts and specific descriptions of criminals against the USF community. I mean just read the latest of their descript reports:

"In the past few weeks, there have been two incidents in which a male approached female students walking in the area of Chabot Terrace, between Golden Gate and Turk Streets. The male asked the female students "uncomfortable" personal questions, but did not touch the students. These incidents occurred between 6:00pm and 8:00pm. A similar incident occurred one year ago on Parker Street.
The subject has been described as an African American male, short or shaved hair, high cheek bones, wearing dark clothing and carrying either a backpack or a messenger bag.
Please be aware of this situation and do not hesitate to call Public Safety immediately if you see any suspicious persons on campus."

Lucky for us we know what to watch out for around USF as most African American males with short hair would be considered suspicious. Also, whats with the high cheek bone description? Well anyways Bravo USF Public Safety for keeping the tradition of "The Black Guy" description strong and alive. Way to educate the hearts and minds of the world.

Achmed and Salim

2009-01-31T08:40:00.000-08:00

this definitely simplifies the issue at hand but nonetheless is funny. if you cant laugh at this then you can't wave bye to your doodie when you flush 'em down. sorry

This girl makes kwest look appealing

2009-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

WARNING! Video may cause hysteria, anger resulting in broken computer screen, and suicide.

I think shes too lame to even be a hipster.

RUNNER UP FOR TARD OF THE MONTH.

You only need to watch 30 seconds and then you will get the effect in full.

Biggest Tard of January 2009

2009-01-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

So I don't know what he's on or who he thinks he is but he really isn't that cool. I mean who brags about their clothes so much that they feel obligated to make up a phony name. And talk about disrepect he claims that he should be named Martin "Louie" "The King." Should I change my name to "Gap Republic" or Scott "Sketcher" Strauss? This guy has seriously fallen off the face of reality. He has joined that guy on the corner, the one that asks me to save my used toilet paper for his modern art project.

BTW, if you can tell me what the hell this Tard is talking about then i'll give you a dollar.*

A message from kwest on Vimeo.
*not an actual dollar, just a picture representing one

Jewish Man's Nightmare

2009-01-30T16:35:00.000-08:00

Morris the Mohyle says, "Boobs, no wait, they are covered by the flesh of a split hoved animal! But maybe its just turkey bacon, how could i know unless I try..."

The Standard Puts In A Bid On Vokoder.fm

2009-01-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

Max:
Jonny

LIEEBBEERRMANNN

alright im putting in an offer on Vokoder.fm here it is

2:46pm

Max:
three 1 hour thai massages w/o happy endings, 15 coupons to coldstone creamery, a 1997 Toyota Vista, and a year subscripton to MILF Hunter

2:47pm

Jonny:
HAHAHA

Super Bowl Betting Advice From Carl of ATHF

2009-01-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

Steves Riding Lawn Mower DUI Taser Arrest

2009-01-29T16:37:00.001-08:00

Just watch.

source: http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Misc/lawnmowerDUItaserarrest.html?bzzap
tip: thank you abv22 for the heads up

Site to check out....

2009-01-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

I Bang The Worst Dudes (Sorry Mom)

This site is hilarious. The censorship of the eyes as if giving these men some sort of anonimity in order to hold onto whatever dignity they begun with is even funnier. Cheers from the Standard for the creators of this site.

Favorite Description From Site: "Each time I came over to this guy’s house I’d have to crawl through his window so his roommates wouldn’t know. The sex was always rude and rushed and one time, he even went so far as to high five me when he came. Wow. "

Hilarious Scale: Anagbo

If Flava Flav sets black people back, then Microsoft Songsmith has set White people back

2009-01-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

Watch this commercial and feel embarrassed for the people in it. It's comedy in 4 minutes. I love you Microsoft.

Sixpack Anthem $tunts remix ft. Cuizinier, Joke, Teki

2009-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Legend french track.

Site to check out....

2009-01-26T19:42:00.001-08:00

FAIRTILIZER

This site has fresh mashups and a huge selection of music. The Standard recommends checking it out and signing up is free.

Also another perk is that some of the mashups are free to download. This site is quite legend.

Website link: http://fairtilizer.com/

Diarrhea Shirt at urbanoutfitters

2009-01-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

I saw this shirt in the store and thought that some bum swapped it out for a clean one. It looks like diarrhea but is called "rust," butt rust. If you have bought this shirt then you have no hope in life. You can beat up a bum and get a real one for practically free. Stupid people. And what would compel you to wear this shit? I mean shirt.....

I think it was first featured in Zoolander. Mugatu's Derelict campaign. The movie wasn't real and dressing derelict is for derelicts and homeless, one in the same.

If you wear this shirt in public then people won't think its weird that you smell like shit.

If you wear this shirt in public the turd in your pants won't be as surpising.

You can make your own, here's how:

Buy a white long sleeve shirt.
Eat food from McDonalds and chase that with some whiskey.
Do squats for thirty minutes.
Show your friends how you can shart on command.
Wipe your ass with your white shirt.

Turd shirt from Urban

Only in Mexico

2009-01-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

I've actually done this before....on a video game.

Eyebrow Dance.

2009-01-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

These kids are great.

Inauguration Special: Local Flavor, Installment #1

2009-01-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

The JOS sent me out to DC to get some pictures and talk to the inauguration attendees(I am still waiting for my travel reimbursement check). What I experienced on my journey was surprising but nonetheless still hope inspiring. This is the first of three installments.

***I use blacks instead of african americans because most african americans have been in this country for much longer than my ancestry and I am not referred to as a European American/ Russian American, I am a white american. A real African American is Barack Obama, his dad is from Kenya and his mom is from America. I think a comedian pointed this out during a standup routine, he said "saying African American is trying too hard not to be rascist and therefore makes you a rascist." As for me, I could give a shit what skin color you are, just as long as you know where the good weed is, then you are cool with me.*******

Some factoids about DC:

Population at night- 590,000 people

Population during the work week- 1,000,000+

Why are there so many people that leave during the night? The next fact makes sense of this disparity.

Demographics- 55% Black, 36% White, and the rest other people; asians, latinos, and the like.

I went to a CVS (that's the Walgreens on the eastcoast) to buy a pack of cigarettes after the Inaugeral address. I waited in line amidst a flurry of post inauguration action.
I got to the cashier and this is what happened:

"you got any marlboro lights?"

and she, young twenty something overweight black woman responded, "yea, fab twenty five"

"fab twenty- five?" I said.

"these is fab twenty-five" pointing to the pack of cigarettes.

"Fab twenty-five, hmm, is that some sort of club?" I ask.

"No, they is fab twenty five."

"Okay...here's my ID, how much do they cost?"

"Fab twenty-five." She responds.

No verbal response, I just stare confused.

This goes on for five more minutes, with just different variations of questioning until the man next to me pulls his tongue out of a white girl's fat ass and intervenes.

He chuckles, "shiiit you must be from outta town"

I responded, "you sir are correct, i forgot i was in the south."

The cashier was saying "fab twenty-five" but what she meant was $5.25.
I paid exact change, asked for a receipt (so the JOS would cover my tab eventually) and went out into the cold.

A few days later I experienced a first. Myself and my associates went to a very cultural neighborhood. This is code for ghetto. We were meeting a friend who was running late so we had 20 minutes to kill. I saw three people get carted away to an ambulance, two motorcades consisted of about twenty cars with extra loud sirens, and one man bleeding from his face.
We stood out like two gold front teeth at a New England country club.

The meeting place was ben's chili bowl but we didnt end up going inside becasue the line was far too long. So we went next door to a place called Next Door.
The place had some nice jazz playing and we got a table. The waitress took us all the way through the restaurant past several open tables up a set of stairs to the back. We sat down and noticed that there was only one other table occupied in the vicinity. The people sitting at that table looked like the cast of 7th heaven. In order to fully make a point let's recap:

The hostess took us past many open tables in the front of the restaurant to the furtherst back possible and up a set of stairs.
The restaurant was owned and occupied by a high precentage of Blacks.
We, a group of 5 white dudes, were given a table in the back far away from any of the "normal restaurant patrons."

I guess its about time I got mine for being white. Just like people dont choose to be gay or black, I didnt choose to be white and its about time I was punished for it. This was a first for me and I was almost compelled to sit at the front of the bar to protest. Instead when I got back to the hotel I protested in private by listening to "Rosa Parks" by Outkast. I now know what they were talking about.

Inappropriate Robin....Inappropriate

2009-01-24T14:58:00.001-08:00

Group to watch out for....

2009-01-20T21:31:00.001-08:00

DGENETICS

DGENERATE NATION - Skate With Me from DGENETICS on Vimeo.

“While one side of the world is already crazy for anything with an Ed Banger or Kitsune stamp, we know it’s time to introduce a new contender to the scene. Enter the DGENETICS MUSICS boombox-for-a-head leader making analog, retro-crazy dance tracks with a few artists that know what’s good on the dance floor...”
--URB Magazine

Website: www.dgeneticsmusic.com

Rating: Legendary

Fast cars. Girls. Paul Walker's acting... BROTASTIC!

2009-01-18T16:43:00.000-08:00

Ever wondered if a script could fully consist of one liners...well I give you Fast and the Furious 4 and the acting genius of Paul Walker:

WARNING: THIS TRAILER MAY CAUSE A MASSIVE BRONER.

Possibly the sluttiest girl in the world...

2009-01-18T15:45:00.001-08:00

Couple things make this an amazing video:

1. The girl sounds exactly like Rosie Perez saying words such as Bwanket instead of Blanket

2. The way she shows the number 3 with her hand. Straight gangster.

3. Goals in life are to drop out of school, be in Girls Gone Wild and have a baby. Something tells us here at the Standard that her dream will come true.

4. Her intro is almost fully bleeped and she physically tries to fight people in the crowd. If you ever wondered what those girls on Rock of Love were like at 15 then Victoria should give you a pretty good idea.

5. "You Don't Know Me", "All my girls have babies"

6. She has a prostitution plan.

7. The mom starts to cry after her daughter admits she had sex on a staircase. What her fucking 300 guys wasn't enough? But on a staircase yea thats just over the limit.

The funny this is... I would start out my night like this

2009-01-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Remember the 80s drug movies we all loved well there back....

2009-01-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

From the author of American Psycho and Less Than Zero comes.....

A recent interview done by a man named Ben Schwartz who oddly enough when interviewed by the Standard seemed totally normal

2009-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Job Interview from Ben Schwartz on Vimeo.

We Own the Sky By Dax Norman

2009-01-16T11:47:00.001-08:00

M83 We Own The Sky Music Video by Dax Norman from dax norman on Vimeo.

The Future of Music is....

2009-01-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

VOKODER FM is an online music application that allows users to share and discover new music. Here are some key elements which captured the Standard's attention when checking out the site:

1. Unlike other music sites, which bombard users with annoying pop ups and forced downloads, Vokoder’s interface is refreshingly simple. Users will have no trouble dragging and dropping songs, creating playlists, and uploading their iTunes library for instant access wherever there is an internet connection.

2. At Vokoder, you can do all that and more. Downloading entire playlists takes seconds.

3. Vokoder users can backup their files on our servers for instant access wherever there is an internet connection.

4. You can use VokoderFM to pretend that you are a legend indie DJ who always knows the freshest tracks out there. This will surely in some way help you get some work.

5. Vokoder is spelled with a K instead of a C making it young and hip.

6. The music is actually good and not the same old shit thats out there.

The Standard will soon conduct an in depth interview with two of the founders, Jonny Lieberman and Yaw Etse for a more expansive look at this revolutionary site. Also, if you are a fan of mashups this site will serve you well with a consistently updated database of fresh tracks.

Website: www.vokoder.fm

Rating: Anagbo

Track of the Month

2009-01-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

We Run LA - Ya Boy Feat. Dr Hollywood

The Van

2009-01-15T22:44:00.000-08:00

A Facebook Conversation I Had With My Friend David:

David:

like the idea
guess what
i bought a van
10:43pm

Max:
ha
the ultimate creeper
10:43pm

David:
with rotating captain chairs and a table in the back
the...
vanlester
10:43pm

Max:
haha
cant wait to see you date rape a high school chick in it

FAIL

2009-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

::Video Taken Down::

The Hottest Jewish Women Live in One Place..That Place is Known as Israel

2009-01-13T11:22:00.001-08:00

Check the link to feel ashamed about whoever you are dating:

Hot Israeli Girls and Yes This is Not Unusual To See

Wow...

2009-01-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

SLAMMIN JAMMIN MOTHERFUCKER!!

YOUNGSTUNNA TALKIN

The Jump Off Has Some Competition...In Albania...By 12 Year Olds

2009-01-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

Edited by a German. Rapped by Albanians. Enjoyed by America.

The Luckiest Gents on Earth

2009-01-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

Here is a compilation of some of the luckiest moments ever:

Best scene: When the cops roll on the robbers, but instead of searching the car they run inside. This leaves ample time for the robbers to pull out slowly waving a proper fuck you to the cops and have a chance to buy new pants as they most certainly shit themselves.

Hot french girls

2009-01-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

I may not understand the language but I know what its about. A nice tuchas with boob combo is always all the rage.

climbing some pole

Africa=Huge

2009-01-12T18:18:00.001-08:00

Just in case you can't count square footage.

Virtual sex will now ruin relationships

2009-01-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

The other day my girlfriend wanted to have sex with me. I said "bitch, I don't need no girlfriend cause I got a Real Touch and it knows how much lube I need."

Check out the video. CLICK

Plug it into your USB, plug into the device and get ready to get down. Now thats a hand free headset.

www.realtouch.com

2009-01-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

Black Dynamite....Get Excited

2009-01-11T10:10:00.001-08:00

70's music + Bad ass one liners + Overly Deep Voiced Main Character + Pimpesqness =

Black Dynamite

CAN YOU DIG IT??

EXTREME

2009-01-10T23:10:00.000-08:00

You thought Nacho Cheese Doritos were extreme? You thought that by doing the dew you were extreme? Well, you thought wrong, check out the sunglasses guys. They define extreme with extreme. I think its fake....it is.

Hitler being sucked dry....too many people want expensive presents!

2009-01-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

So he didn't come through for me this year. Maybe its because my religion doesn't permit me to celebrate Christmas. He did drop off a few pairs of socks for Hanukkah and a Starbucks gift card. The Starbucks gift card was only for 5 dollars. That's isn't even enough for my venti soy chai. Cheap bastard. It's the thought that counts anyways.

puppy faced killer

2009-01-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

The puppy faced killer/bank robber had very clever tactics. He would rob banks but cover his face with a puppy. People like puppies and can't seem to shoot a really cute one. So, the puppy face killer was very successful because his tactics disallowed police from harming him. He robbed many banks, started a charity in Flint, Michigan and moved to the Bahamas.
He soon ran out of money because of his addiction to Mormon hookers (on lease from a ranch in Utah) and needed to come back to the states to rob more banks. He decided to rob the UBOV (Union Bank of Valets, a bank dedicated to providing services for valet parking attendants). This was the last bank that the puppy faced killer would ever rob. The security guard, armed with a .22, was new and from China. In China cute dogs are not valued as much as are fat dogs, because it is common knowledge that a cute dog isn't necessarily always good eating while fat dogs are always good eating.
The new Chinese security guard, armed with a .22, saw the puppy face killer easily rob the bank teller and then make his way to the door. The security guard unclipped his gun from its holster aimed and fired. He missed the dog and hit the puppy faced killer in the temple with a well placed bullet. Blood dripped from the victim and soon his body crumpled into itself like an empty pack of cheap cigarettes. The Chinese security guard removed the puppy from its holster that was worn as a belt around the killer's head and held the dog. He lifted its ear and whispered "one day you will be fat and make the bellies of my family members full."

Pineapple Express, its like my life only better.

2009-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Maybe if there was a sex scene or at least a nipple slip/up-skirt shot of some hot girl then this movie would be good. Because there is no sex scene or nipple slip, this movie reminds me of my actual life, minus the really good weed, car crashes, cool friends, and excitement. JOS (Jump Off Standard) readers just learned a lot about my life. It consists of no hot girls, mediocre pot, shitty friends, and no excitement, except for the times when i wave good bye to the friends i leave in the toilet. Self deprecation at its best.

I LIke To Watch: Pineapple Express in 60 Seconds @ Yahoo! Video

BTW those things I just wrote about my life aren't true in the slightest. I just wanted to make those who troll the internet for hours looking for entertainment feel good. Sorry if you are greasy/pizza faced and have slept with 2 girls since you were 18. Oh yea, if you think pot is all the rage, wait until you check out crack. Now thats a drug.

Ever tried to RAM a floppy d**k into a hard drive?

2009-01-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't. Ever tried to shove an external hard drive into your USB port one and it didn't fit? That's probably cause you tried to put it in upside down.

I totally RAMed a motherboard last week

CHECK IT

Wii-tarded

2009-01-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

wiidickulous.

IF THIS WERE MY KID I WOULD END HIM. but seriously what is wrong with this guy?
What would happen if his AIDS test came back negative?
How would he react if he found out his girlfriend was pregnant?
What happens when he doesn't get the lead in the Spring musical?
How does he respond to a prom date that doesn't put out?

ass fixiated

2009-01-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently if you have the money and spend it on too many colorful scarfs you may become asphyxiated by your gluttonous spending habits, LITERALLY.

Apparently this woman,

may the author of King Midas bless her soul, filled her house up with so many consumer goods that these unopened goods fell on top of her and trapped her there for days, starving until she died suffocating on her OWN GREED. She couldn't live with just enjoying her shitty cucumber sandwiches at tea time. She needed more...

READ IT HERE IF YOUR DARE CALL ME A LIAR

Lesson learned?

Buy less things that cost more.

Like this-

or save your money in a LEGO safe,

it's inexpensive and definitely wont kill you, unless you decide to eat all the pieces.

Being in a frat means you have more sex (According to NY Magzine)

2009-01-07T00:24:00.000-08:00

New York Magazine: new yorkers who drink have more sex partners, warns survey -> http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/01/new_yorkers_who_drink_have_mor.html?mid=daily-intel--20090106

Conclusion:

- Mathematical proof -

By the associative property of multiplication which states "When three or more numbers are multiplied, the product is the same regardless of the order of multiplication. For example (2 * 3) * 4 = 2 * (3 * 4)"...

Because when you are in a frat you drink more:

*** Being in a frat means you have more sex partners ***

Taking jumping off... literally

2009-01-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

Ok, if jumping off was a way of life... these guys would set a great example.

The Standard's Joseph of the Year for 2008 Goes to....

2009-01-05T14:28:00.000-08:00

New York Socialite Tinsley Mortimer

Just looking at Tinsley one can see why we here at The Standard chose her as our pick, but she is so much more than looks alone. Here are a few reasons why she has won our coveted title:

- Her family's lineage traces back to Thomas Jefferson. Thomas fucking Jefferson. Oh your dating that chick from Survivor. Nice. Oh me? I'm dating Thomas Jefferson's Great Great Great Granddaughter. Yea I know. Did I mention she also looks like this? (whip out a picture)

- Her name is Tinsley.

- Her husband is nicknamed Topper. If she married a guy nicknamed Topper she has to have a sense of humor.

- She graduated Columbia. Paris Hilton can't even spell college. Wife Material.

- She embodies the ideals of what everything a Standard man would want in a woman.

In all after months of screening Tinsley was the choice for the Standard and we hope our readers agree. We here at the Standard feel that a true Joseph should embody not just looks, but that "wifey" touch. The Standard would just like to let Tinsley know that if she is reading this and Topper somehow has a yachting accident that we would put a ring on it.

Possibly the Worst Kid On Earth

2009-01-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

The Kid in Action:

Now Time For the Remix Edition:

P.S.

Props to the makers of this Remix for the most hilarious production company name in history

Videos Suggested by The Standard's Associate Yaw Etse

Cruella DeVille's husband, Karl Lagerfeld

2009-01-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

Now I have no problems with wearing fur or any problems with people that wear fur or people that use leather or anything animal made. And I do agree with Mr. Lagerfeld's comment "those beasts will kill us if they could." What I'm having a problem with is my imagination, I wonder many things about a man that looks like this-

He's apparently the fur czar for the fashion industry and looks like he's really into bondage, fur, leather, satan and gore. Not Al Gore.

Some questions I have for him:

Does he own any animals as pets?

Has he ever eaten his pets because he suspected a plot against his life??

Does he have a secret compound like Guantanamo Bay for his detained PETA inmates?

Can he kick a dog for fun?

How much money did the devil give him for his soul?

When's the last time he drank blood?

When's the last time he drank blood for recreational purposes?

Does he think babies would kill us if they could, and if so should we wear them?

for reference check out the article http://www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/fashionnews/4075783/Karl-Lagerfeld-defends-fur-industry-saying-beasts-would-kill-us-if-we-didnt-kill-them.html

this kid must be on drugs

2008-12-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

So I've determined, according to my expertise in determining, that he must be on drugs, partially robotic, or 50% Bruce Lee. perhaps he's a mutant waiting for the x-men to find him. or maybe hes just Daniel, a 12 yr old 6th grader from Lincoln, Nebraska, cousin to Rob Schneider, brother to Ryan durkim, loving son to rod and estella durkim and friend to all.

in case you didnt get it for christmas, you still have channukah...

2008-12-28T15:50:00.000-08:00

Stay away from egg nog and that ambrosia stuff with the marshmellows. I heard about this one guy that ate it all and then made a Davinci painting of his girlfriends bathroom.

Hava Nagila Techno Mix

2008-12-24T14:38:00.000-08:00

Wow The Standard is really Jewing it out for the Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah Kids

2008-12-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

Hanukkah Rap

Hanukkah -- We do not know what the hell we are celebrating

2008-12-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

How does a Dreidel and Gelt have anything to do with Jews finally whooping some ass?

Hanukkah is defined as follows:
An eight-day festival beginning on the 25th day of Kislev, commemorating the victory in 165 b.c. of the Maccabees over Antiochus Epiphanes (c. 215-164 b.c.) and the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem. Also called Feast of Dedication , Feast of Lights.

When I was thinking about how I celebrated Hanukkah as a kid I realized that we make an amazing military victory into a half assed version of Christmas. For example what the hell is a Hanukkah Bush? If you ask a Jewish kid today what Hanukkah is about all he'll say is that Grandpa rubs his face than hands him a check for 25 bucks. He'll talk about spinning a dreidel and getting to light the menorah. Imagine though if he knew it was about Jews revolting agaisnt a vastly superior Syrian kingdom and kicking their ass out of Israel.

If a Christian kid came up to me bragging about Santa and his tree all I would say "Oh yea thats cool. I celebrate Hanukkah. Remember that movie 300 when they fight the Persians? Yea we did that. My holiday is about that. You sit on some dudes lap and ask for gifts right? But yea your right Christmas is way cooler."

Taking care of buisness

Not Taking Care of Buisness

On a side note it should be mentioned that ancient Jews had a really weird fetish with decapitating people. David with Goliath. Even our women got down with the action

So next time some kid makes you feel like Hanukkah sucks look him in the face and let him know he can have his fancy tree and awesome tradition of sitting on some fat dudes lap asking for things. Your fine with celebrating your people's history of being outnumbered and still handing our enemies asses to them. Seriously can Spielberg make a movie about this already so everyone will know that were not all just about banking and being lawyers.

P.S. The Standard is know offering Financial Growth Portfolios through Cohen, Cohen, and Goldberg Financial Firm. Just call our corporate lawyer Morty Stylez for information.

Saudi Arabia is "The Kingdom," a highly anticipated victory against evil

2008-12-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching "The Kingdom" and I was surprised that Americans and Saudi's are so similar.We say we want to kill them all and they say that they want to kill us all. The same idea but just on different sides. So similar. We have faces+they have faces= practically the same species.
What a heartwarming story, they think they will kill us all but we know that really it is us that will kill them all.
Feels great to be an American.
I also noticed a few subtleties such as the jax and marble set used in the dirty bombs that killed the Americans, a child's game to end the life of an adult, ironic but true, and also a few glimpses of the sunglasses that(Agent Flurry, that's short for McFlurry, the founder of the infamous McDonalds modern milkshake, whom was the agents father) jamie foxx was wearing, Michael Kors.

I know what I will ask of Santa for the holidays but because I am not a follower of Jesus and therefore not a believer in Santa I have to ask my friend the Armadillo, codename Hannukah Harry, for some Michael Kors aviator glasses. I will wear them when I watch the movie and repeat the lines of the messianic Jamie Foxx. Thats two x's not one.
The music at the end of the movie (not film, its too strong of a word) reminds me of some triumphant symphony that played after President Junior Bush landed on an aircraft carrier with a genetically enhanced banana (not confirmed, could very well be a tube sock that once belonged to Shaq) stuffed into his pants. "it was a hard long road, but we finally beat terrorism and our problems are over" Yes! they are! TGIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank god Im American, and thank god for movies like "The Kingdom" that remind me how great it is to be a true go dooder. ( i switched the g from good and the d from do)

Another subtlety noticed was the guy that got kidnapped by the bad Saudis was the only one with an Israeli stamp on his passport. He brought this up on the Tarmac when they first landed in Riyadh. Then, when he was kidnapped and about to be killed by a fundamentalist (this word shouldn't have the root 'fun' in it, it should be badamentalist which would mean bad-mentalist, and would be synonomous with bad mindset to show that this person or badmentalists have bad mindset, like a robot that went off the deepend and must be stopped because its positronic brain has malfunctioned and it is trying to kill people) with a handycam, if you hear the arabic it sounds like he (the badamentalist) is reading a list of the crimes committed by this FBI agent and one of them sounded like he said "Israeli" in Arabic. So that pretty much means that I solved the puzzle and I should be immediately drafted into the Foreign Service of Hollywood.

I will now cease to write and let the epiphanies set in. The creators of this movie spent less time thinking about the movie than I did.

2008-11-25T00:17:00.000-08:00

God Help Us All...Benniganz have made a music video

2008-11-24T16:43:00.000-08:00

If you can find a more New Jerseyesq music video, The Standard reporters will all get mystic tans and drink Jaeger bombs until we pass out .

For those who do not know a Benniganz is a slang referring to a stereotype that includes wearing gold chains, working class clothing such as plain T-shirts, muscle shirts, leather jackets, sweat or tracksuits, scally caps, unbuttoned dress shirts, and dress suits. Slicked-back hair or pompadours are also common. Recently, heavily-gelled spiked hair has become a common stereotype. The hairstyle is commonly referred to as the Blowout or Brooklyn Fade, "Brook" for short. The slang term for a Benniganz comes from the east coast resturaunt Bennigans and was made popular by the Hip Hop group Cracked Out.

This group is from Canada by the way and not New Jersey meaning the Benniganz epidemic is spreading into other countries...if that doesn't bother you then that should be the first clue you might be a Benniganz yourself.

The Standard's Senior Reporter Baby Will shows off in NY

2008-11-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

Will addresses a crowd for the release party of the Standard in New York

If The Jump Off Were Swedish

2008-11-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

Far & Son- Panik

Far & Son - Panik from Splinter Arts on Vimeo.

Big three bailout? nope.

2008-11-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

When you think about it, the big three make cars that use a lot of gasoline and have been making them for a while, according to some sources the markup on trucks is huge and highly profitable for the companies that make these automobiles. so lets take a step back because i got ahead of myself. the cars that are produced by these companies encourage excessive oil consumption and its in the best interest to the large oil companies that these cars continue to be used. a non-bailout to the big three would be a punch to big oil also. so inactivity would be a win win.
But what about the people that will lose the jobs? how sad, initially it will be sad but it has potential to be great. why? because there will be so many companies out there that have been dwarfed in the past by the big three that will want to go into full scale production of vehicles that don't suck. don't suck oil and that just don't suck. GM has huge operations all over the world and they could just scale back their huge ass factory in Russia or their international operations.
GM doesn't care about you and doesn't care about America they only care about making money as cheaply as possible. if they can stay in the American market then great for them, if they cant then fuck em, they don't give a shit. they can still make money and operate. if they get bailed out then they can operate cheaper.
To conclude, you should write your senator and tell them to screw big oil by not bailing out the big three.

They need to make this into a video game....The Most Savage of the Savage

2008-11-17T12:39:00.000-08:00

READ THE ARTICLE HERE

The Israeli mafia is freaking scary. If you think about other organized crime networks the only network that really compares is the Russian mafia because those dudes are ex-KGB and the KGB are well, the freaking KGB, Soviet Russia's secret police. But even the KGB don't have the experience that the Israeli's bring to organized crime.
The Israeli's, have all been trained by a military, something that you can't say about the Sicilian crime syndicates. They know how to make pizzas and know a good pasta but when it comes down to hitman strategies, evasion tactics, and financial intricacies they don't have squat on the Israelis. They Israelis have all been enlisted in the military, its mandatory if you are an Israeli citizen that you will serve a minimum 3 years, and its guaranteed that you have survived at least one war if you were in the military in the past 3 years and are in the Israeli mafia today.
If you are an ex-member of an elite special forces unit, you only have a few options for a career path and if you don't have a business sense you will make a pretty good goon for a crime family.
Your career options are as follows:

Work at a Jewish community center in the United States doing security detail, you have to deal with spoiled Jewish children, their ridiculous mothers, and wimpy Jewish accountants that have only read about what you have done. Bonus, you will have lots of eye candy to take your mind off of your terrible job of showing 16yr old longnoses that you can take them down with one movement of your wrist.
Work at an embassy in some south American country and find a Latina wife that has no idea what hummus is. No bonus.
Start your own security service for Hollywood stars which is much like working security detail at the JCC because of the egos and large amount plastic surgery, hey those were small tits last week! Bittersweet bonus, you may find yourself as an extra in a film and then may eventually become a stunt man, which wont last long because you will get hooked on cocaine and fall off the face of the earth.
The last option and probably the most viable one would be to get hooked up with a job working for a crime family in Israel. the food is familiar, you get to see your parents every shabbat, hummus is virtually everywhere, and you get to do what you are trained to do, its almost second nature. the war games, the following, the stalking, the crazy driving on a moped while shooting your target. its what you love.

So, to really make it stick, the things you (average american) do on GTA somewhat compare to the things that they do in the real world. thus making them, the Israeli Mafia,
THE MOST SAVAGE OF THE SAVAGE.

Seemingly good ideas when your stoned that in actuality are very very bad

2008-11-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

Taking a shower- Seems good till you faint because you made the water temp as hot as possible

Going to an all you can eat buffett- Endless amounts of food what could be better? I'll tell you what feels better me not having to puke my guts out because I ate a slice of pizza topped off with jello and macaroni salad

Going on "adventure"- All it takes is a sound from somewhere you can't see and your adventure soon turns into the scariest moment of your life

Watching the Godfather- When stoned your attention span is about 30 seconds long

Getting into a political debate- You may think you sound like Keith Obermann, but in reality you sound like Pauly Shore

The Hipster Male

2008-11-03T12:35:00.001-08:00

The Hipster Male Emergence

Definition of a HipsterHipster - One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat. [Source: The Hipster Handbook]

The hipster seems to be everywhere you look these days from a small town in Iowa to their capital of San Francisco. What is a hipster though? Are they just a happy emo kid? The Standard wants to answer this question.

The hipster male can be recognized by their tight pants, american apparel shirt, and hair in the face haircut. Now I have no problems with hipsters as they usually provide ample entertainment and many of the Standard's associates are hipsters. I just sometimes wonder how a hipsters mission seems to let the world know that they are different from everyone else by wearing vintage clothing and listening to bands only they know of yet it seems that it has just become the new fad of our generation much like the grunge fad in the 90s. Does this defeat the whole idea of a hipster? I'll let the readers decide.

Hipster Hangouts: Vintage Clothing Stores, Dive Bars, Other Hipster's Houses

Favorite Activities: Smoking Weed, Listening to Vinyl Records, Taking Pictures of Themselves In "Myspace" Poses

Favorite Magazine: Vice

Clue you are a Hipster Male: You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Elvis Costello-style glasses