Sunday, December 28, 2008
this kid must be on drugs
So I've determined, according to my expertise in determining, that he must be on drugs, partially robotic, or 50% Bruce Lee. perhaps he's a mutant waiting for the x-men to find him. or maybe hes just Daniel, a 12 yr old 6th grader from Lincoln, Nebraska, cousin to Rob Schneider, brother to Ryan durkim, loving son to rod and estella durkim and friend to all.
in case you didnt get it for christmas, you still have channukah...
Stay away from egg nog and that ambrosia stuff with the marshmellows. I heard about this one guy that ate it all and then made a Davinci painting of his girlfriends bathroom.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Hanukkah -- We do not know what the hell we are celebrating
How does a Dreidel and Gelt have anything to do with Jews finally whooping some ass?
Hanukkah is defined as follows:
An eight-day festival beginning on the 25th day of Kislev, commemorating the victory in 165 b.c. of the Maccabees over Antiochus Epiphanes (c. 215-164 b.c.) and the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem. Also called Feast of Dedication , Feast of Lights.
When I was thinking about how I celebrated Hanukkah as a kid I realized that we make an amazing military victory into a half assed version of Christmas. For example what the hell is a Hanukkah Bush? If you ask a Jewish kid today what Hanukkah is about all he'll say is that Grandpa rubs his face than hands him a check for 25 bucks. He'll talk about spinning a dreidel and getting to light the menorah. Imagine though if he knew it was about Jews revolting agaisnt a vastly superior Syrian kingdom and kicking their ass out of Israel.
If a Christian kid came up to me bragging about Santa and his tree all I would say "Oh yea thats cool. I celebrate Hanukkah. Remember that movie 300 when they fight the Persians? Yea we did that. My holiday is about that. You sit on some dudes lap and ask for gifts right? But yea your right Christmas is way cooler."
On a side note it should be mentioned that ancient Jews had a really weird fetish with decapitating people. David with Goliath. Even our women got down with the action
So next time some kid makes you feel like Hanukkah sucks look him in the face and let him know he can have his fancy tree and awesome tradition of sitting on some fat dudes lap asking for things. Your fine with celebrating your people's history of being outnumbered and still handing our enemies asses to them. Seriously can Spielberg make a movie about this already so everyone will know that were not all just about banking and being lawyers.
P.S. The Standard is know offering Financial Growth Portfolios through Cohen, Cohen, and Goldberg Financial Firm. Just call our corporate lawyer Morty Stylez for information.
Hanukkah is defined as follows:
An eight-day festival beginning on the 25th day of Kislev, commemorating the victory in 165 b.c. of the Maccabees over Antiochus Epiphanes (c. 215-164 b.c.) and the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem. Also called Feast of Dedication , Feast of Lights.
When I was thinking about how I celebrated Hanukkah as a kid I realized that we make an amazing military victory into a half assed version of Christmas. For example what the hell is a Hanukkah Bush? If you ask a Jewish kid today what Hanukkah is about all he'll say is that Grandpa rubs his face than hands him a check for 25 bucks. He'll talk about spinning a dreidel and getting to light the menorah. Imagine though if he knew it was about Jews revolting agaisnt a vastly superior Syrian kingdom and kicking their ass out of Israel.
If a Christian kid came up to me bragging about Santa and his tree all I would say "Oh yea thats cool. I celebrate Hanukkah. Remember that movie 300 when they fight the Persians? Yea we did that. My holiday is about that. You sit on some dudes lap and ask for gifts right? But yea your right Christmas is way cooler."
On a side note it should be mentioned that ancient Jews had a really weird fetish with decapitating people. David with Goliath. Even our women got down with the action
So next time some kid makes you feel like Hanukkah sucks look him in the face and let him know he can have his fancy tree and awesome tradition of sitting on some fat dudes lap asking for things. Your fine with celebrating your people's history of being outnumbered and still handing our enemies asses to them. Seriously can Spielberg make a movie about this already so everyone will know that were not all just about banking and being lawyers.
P.S. The Standard is know offering Financial Growth Portfolios through Cohen, Cohen, and Goldberg Financial Firm. Just call our corporate lawyer Morty Stylez for information.
Saudi Arabia is "The Kingdom," a highly anticipated victory against evil
I just finished watching "The Kingdom" and I was surprised that Americans and Saudi's are so similar.
We say we want to kill them all and they say that they want to kill us all. The same idea but just on different sides. So similar. We have faces+they have faces= practically the same species.
What a heartwarming story, they think they will kill us all but we know that really it is us that will kill them all.
Feels great to be an American.
I also noticed a few subtleties such as the jax and marble set used in the dirty bombs that killed the Americans, a child's game to end the life of an adult, ironic but true, and also a few glimpses of the sunglasses that(Agent Flurry, that's short for McFlurry, the founder of the infamous McDonalds modern milkshake, whom was the agents father) jamie foxx was wearing, Michael Kors.
I know what I will ask of Santa for the holidays but because I am not a follower of Jesus and therefore not a believer in Santa I have to ask my friend the Armadillo, codename Hannukah Harry, for some Michael Kors aviator glasses. I will wear them when I watch the movie and repeat the lines of the messianic Jamie Foxx. Thats two x's not one.
The music at the end of the movie (not film, its too strong of a word) reminds me of some triumphant symphony that played after President Junior Bush landed on an aircraft carrier with a genetically enhanced banana (not confirmed, could very well be a tube sock that once belonged to Shaq)
stuffed into his pants. "it was a hard long road, but we finally beat terrorism and our problems are over" Yes! they are! TGIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank god Im American, and thank god for movies like "The Kingdom" that remind me how great it is to be a true go dooder. ( i switched the g from good and the d from do)
Another subtlety noticed was the guy that got kidnapped by the bad Saudis was the only one with an Israeli stamp on his passport. He brought this up on the Tarmac when they first landed in Riyadh. Then, when he was kidnapped and about to be killed by a fundamentalist (this word shouldn't have the root 'fun' in it, it should be badamentalist which would mean bad-mentalist, and would be synonomous with bad mindset to show that this person or badmentalists have bad mindset, like a robot that went off the deepend and must be stopped because its positronic brain has malfunctioned and it is trying to kill people) with a handycam, if you hear the arabic it sounds
like he (the badamentalist) is reading a list of the crimes committed by this FBI agent and one of them sounded like he said "Israeli" in Arabic. So that pretty much means that I solved the puzzle and I should be immediately drafted into the Foreign Service of Hollywood.
I will now cease to write and let the epiphanies set in. The creators of this movie spent less time thinking about the movie than I did.
We say we want to kill them all and they say that they want to kill us all. The same idea but just on different sides. So similar. We have faces+they have faces= practically the same species.What a heartwarming story, they think they will kill us all but we know that really it is us that will kill them all.
Feels great to be an American.
I also noticed a few subtleties such as the jax and marble set used in the dirty bombs that killed the Americans, a child's game to end the life of an adult, ironic but true, and also a few glimpses of the sunglasses that(Agent Flurry, that's short for McFlurry, the founder of the infamous McDonalds modern milkshake, whom was the agents father) jamie foxx was wearing, Michael Kors.
I know what I will ask of Santa for the holidays but because I am not a follower of Jesus and therefore not a believer in Santa I have to ask my friend the Armadillo, codename Hannukah Harry, for some Michael Kors aviator glasses. I will wear them when I watch the movie and repeat the lines of the messianic Jamie Foxx. Thats two x's not one.
The music at the end of the movie (not film, its too strong of a word) reminds me of some triumphant symphony that played after President Junior Bush landed on an aircraft carrier with a genetically enhanced banana (not confirmed, could very well be a tube sock that once belonged to Shaq)
stuffed into his pants. "it was a hard long road, but we finally beat terrorism and our problems are over" Yes! they are! TGIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank god Im American, and thank god for movies like "The Kingdom" that remind me how great it is to be a true go dooder. ( i switched the g from good and the d from do)Another subtlety noticed was the guy that got kidnapped by the bad Saudis was the only one with an Israeli stamp on his passport. He brought this up on the Tarmac when they first landed in Riyadh. Then, when he was kidnapped and about to be killed by a fundamentalist (this word shouldn't have the root 'fun' in it, it should be badamentalist which would mean bad-mentalist, and would be synonomous with bad mindset to show that this person or badmentalists have bad mindset, like a robot that went off the deepend and must be stopped because its positronic brain has malfunctioned and it is trying to kill people) with a handycam, if you hear the arabic it sounds
like he (the badamentalist) is reading a list of the crimes committed by this FBI agent and one of them sounded like he said "Israeli" in Arabic. So that pretty much means that I solved the puzzle and I should be immediately drafted into the Foreign Service of Hollywood.I will now cease to write and let the epiphanies set in. The creators of this movie spent less time thinking about the movie than I did.
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