this kid must be on drugs

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

So I've determined, according to my expertise in determining, that he must be on drugs, partially robotic, or 50% Bruce Lee. perhaps he's a mutant waiting for the x-men to find him. or maybe hes just Daniel, a 12 yr old 6th grader from Lincoln, Nebraska, cousin to Rob Schneider, brother to Ryan durkim, loving son to rod and estella durkim and friend to all.

in case you didnt get it for christmas, you still have channukah...

Stay away from egg nog and that ambrosia stuff with the marshmellows. I heard about this one guy that ate it all and then made a Davinci painting of his girlfriends bathroom.

Hava Nagila Techno Mix

Wow The Standard is really Jewing it out for the Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah Kids

Hanukkah Rap

Hanukkah -- We do not know what the hell we are celebrating

How does a Dreidel and Gelt have anything to do with Jews finally whooping some ass?

Hanukkah is defined as follows:
An eight-day festival beginning on the 25th day of Kislev, commemorating the victory in 165 b.c. of the Maccabees over Antiochus Epiphanes (c. 215-164 b.c.) and the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem. Also called Feast of Dedication , Feast of Lights.


When I was thinking about how I celebrated Hanukkah as a kid I realized that we make an amazing military victory into a half assed version of Christmas. For example what the hell is a Hanukkah Bush? If you ask a Jewish kid today what Hanukkah is about all he'll say is that Grandpa rubs his face than hands him a check for 25 bucks. He'll talk about spinning a dreidel and getting to light the menorah. Imagine though if he knew it was about Jews revolting agaisnt a vastly superior Syrian kingdom and kicking their ass out of Israel.

If a Christian kid came up to me bragging about Santa and his tree all I would say "Oh yea thats cool. I celebrate Hanukkah. Remember that movie 300 when they fight the Persians? Yea we did that. My holiday is about that. You sit on some dudes lap and ask for gifts right? But yea your right Christmas is way cooler."

Taking care of buisness

Not Taking Care of Buisness

On a side note it should be mentioned that ancient Jews had a really weird fetish with decapitating people. David with Goliath. Even our women got down with the action


So next time some kid makes you feel like Hanukkah sucks look him in the face and let him know he can have his fancy tree and awesome tradition of sitting on some fat dudes lap asking for things. Your fine with celebrating your people's history of being outnumbered and still handing our enemies asses to them. Seriously can Spielberg make a movie about this already so everyone will know that were not all just about banking and being lawyers.

P.S. The Standard is know offering Financial Growth Portfolios through Cohen, Cohen, and Goldberg Financial Firm. Just call our corporate lawyer Morty Stylez for information.

Saudi Arabia is "The Kingdom," a highly anticipated victory against evil

I just finished watching "The Kingdom" and I was surprised that Americans and Saudi's are so similar.We say we want to kill them all and they say that they want to kill us all. The same idea but just on different sides. So similar. We have faces+they have faces= practically the same species.
What a heartwarming story, they think they will kill us all but we know that really it is us that will kill them all.
Feels great to be an American.
I also noticed a few subtleties such as the jax and marble set used in the dirty bombs that killed the Americans, a child's game to end the life of an adult, ironic but true, and also a few glimpses of the sunglasses that(Agent Flurry, that's short for McFlurry, the founder of the infamous McDonalds modern milkshake, whom was the agents father) jamie foxx was wearing, Michael Kors.


I know what I will ask of Santa for the holidays but because I am not a follower of Jesus and therefore not a believer in Santa I have to ask my friend the Armadillo, codename Hannukah Harry, for some Michael Kors aviator glasses. I will wear them when I watch the movie and repeat the lines of the messianic Jamie Foxx. Thats two x's not one.
The music at the end of the movie (not film, its too strong of a word) reminds me of some triumphant symphony that played after President Junior Bush landed on an aircraft carrier with a genetically enhanced banana (not confirmed, could very well be a tube sock that once belonged to Shaq) stuffed into his pants. "it was a hard long road, but we finally beat terrorism and our problems are over" Yes! they are! TGIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank god Im American, and thank god for movies like "The Kingdom" that remind me how great it is to be a true go dooder. ( i switched the g from good and the d from do)

Another subtlety noticed was the guy that got kidnapped by the bad Saudis was the only one with an Israeli stamp on his passport. He brought this up on the Tarmac when they first landed in Riyadh. Then, when he was kidnapped and about to be killed by a fundamentalist (this word shouldn't have the root 'fun' in it, it should be badamentalist which would mean bad-mentalist, and would be synonomous with bad mindset to show that this person or badmentalists have bad mindset, like a robot that went off the deepend and must be stopped because its positronic brain has malfunctioned and it is trying to kill people) with a handycam, if you hear the arabic it sounds like he (the badamentalist) is reading a list of the crimes committed by this FBI agent and one of them sounded like he said "Israeli" in Arabic. So that pretty much means that I solved the puzzle and I should be immediately drafted into the Foreign Service of Hollywood.

I will now cease to write and let the epiphanies set in. The creators of this movie spent less time thinking about the movie than I did.

God Help Us All...Benniganz have made a music video

If you can find a more New Jerseyesq music video, The Standard reporters will all get mystic tans and drink Jaeger bombs until we pass out .




For those who do not know a Benniganz is a slang referring to a stereotype that includes wearing gold chains, working class clothing such as plain T-shirts, muscle shirts, leather jackets, sweat or tracksuits, scally caps, unbuttoned dress shirts, and dress suits. Slicked-back hair or pompadours are also common. Recently, heavily-gelled spiked hair has become a common stereotype. The hairstyle is commonly referred to as the Blowout or Brooklyn Fade, "Brook" for short. The slang term for a Benniganz comes from the east coast resturaunt Bennigans and was made popular by the Hip Hop group Cracked Out.

This group is from Canada by the way and not New Jersey meaning the Benniganz epidemic is spreading into other countries...if that doesn't bother you then that should be the first clue you might be a Benniganz yourself.

The Standard's Senior Reporter Baby Will shows off in NY

Will addresses a crowd for the release party of the Standard in New York

If The Jump Off Were Swedish

Far & Son- Panik


Far & Son - Panik from Splinter Arts on Vimeo.

Big three bailout? nope.

When you think about it, the big three make cars that use a lot of gasoline and have been making them for a while, according to some sources the markup on trucks is huge and highly profitable for the companies that make these automobiles. so lets take a step back because i got ahead of myself. the cars that are produced by these companies encourage excessive oil consumption and its in the best interest to the large oil companies that these cars continue to be used. a non-bailout to the big three would be a punch to big oil also. so inactivity would be a win win.
But what about the people that will lose the jobs? how sad, initially it will be sad but it has potential to be great. why? because there will be so many companies out there that have been dwarfed in the past by the big three that will want to go into full scale production of vehicles that don't suck. don't suck oil and that just don't suck. GM has huge operations all over the world and they could just scale back their huge ass factory in Russia or their international operations.
GM doesn't care about you and doesn't care about America they only care about making money as cheaply as possible. if they can stay in the American market then great for them, if they cant then fuck em, they don't give a shit. they can still make money and operate. if they get bailed out then they can operate cheaper.
To conclude, you should write your senator and tell them to screw big oil by not bailing out the big three.

They need to make this into a video game....The Most Savage of the Savage

READ THE ARTICLE HERE

The Israeli mafia is freaking scary. If you think about other organized crime networks the only network that really compares is the Russian mafia because those dudes are ex-KGB and the KGB are well, the freaking KGB, Soviet Russia's secret police. But even the KGB don't have the experience that the Israeli's bring to organized crime.
The Israeli's, have all been trained by a military, something that you can't say about the Sicilian crime syndicates. They know how to make pizzas and know a good pasta but when it comes down to hitman strategies, evasion tactics, and financial intricacies they don't have squat on the Israelis. They Israelis have all been enlisted in the military, its mandatory if you are an Israeli citizen that you will serve a minimum 3 years, and its guaranteed that you have survived at least one war if you were in the military in the past 3 years and are in the Israeli mafia today.
If you are an ex-member of an elite special forces unit, you only have a few options for a career path and if you don't have a business sense you will make a pretty good goon for a crime family.
Your career options are as follows:

1. Work at a Jewish community center in the United States doing security detail, you have to deal with spoiled Jewish children, their ridiculous mothers, and wimpy Jewish accountants that have only read about what you have done. Bonus, you will have lots of eye candy to take your mind off of your terrible job of showing 16yr old longnoses that you can take them down with one movement of your wrist.
   
2. Work at an embassy in some south American country and find a Latina wife that has no idea what hummus is. No bonus.
   
3. Start your own security service for Hollywood stars which is much like working security detail at the JCC because of the egos and large amount plastic surgery, hey those were small tits last week! Bittersweet bonus, you may find yourself as an extra in a film and then may eventually become a stunt man, which wont last long because you will get hooked on cocaine and fall off the face of the earth.
   
4. The last option and probably the most viable one would be to get hooked up with a job working for a crime family in Israel. the food is familiar, you get to see your parents every shabbat, hummus is virtually everywhere, and you get to do what you are trained to do, its almost second nature. the war games, the following, the stalking, the crazy driving on a moped while shooting your target. its what you love.

So, to really make it stick, the things you (average american) do on GTA somewhat compare to the things that they do in the real world. thus making them, the Israeli Mafia,
THE MOST SAVAGE OF THE SAVAGE.

Seemingly good ideas when your stoned that in actuality are very very bad

Taking a shower- Seems good till you faint because you made the water temp as hot as possible

Going to an all you can eat buffett- Endless amounts of food what could be better? I'll tell you what feels better me not having to puke my guts out because I ate a slice of pizza topped off with jello and macaroni salad

Going on "adventure"- All it takes is a sound from somewhere you can't see and your adventure soon turns into the scariest moment of your life

Watching the Godfather- When stoned your attention span is about 30 seconds long

Getting into a political debate- You may think you sound like Keith Obermann, but in reality you sound like Pauly Shore

The Hipster Male

The Hipster Male Emergence

Definition of a HipsterHipster - One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat. [Source: The Hipster Handbook]

The hipster seems to be everywhere you look these days from a small town in Iowa to their capital of San Francisco. What is a hipster though? Are they just a happy emo kid? The Standard wants to answer this question.

The hipster male can be recognized by their tight pants, american apparel shirt, and hair in the face haircut. Now I have no problems with hipsters as they usually provide ample entertainment and many of the Standard's associates are hipsters. I just sometimes wonder how a hipsters mission seems to let the world know that they are different from everyone else by wearing vintage clothing and listening to bands only they know of yet it seems that it has just become the new fad of our generation much like the grunge fad in the 90s. Does this defeat the whole idea of a hipster? I'll let the readers decide.

Hipster Hangouts: Vintage Clothing Stores, Dive Bars, Other Hipster's Houses

Favorite Activities: Smoking Weed, Listening to Vinyl Records, Taking Pictures of Themselves In "Myspace" Poses

Favorite Magazine: Vice

Clue you are a Hipster Male: You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Elvis Costello-style glasses

"That Guy" of the Month

"That Guy" for October is Timmy Chorizo

This guy is usually way too ridiculous for whatever your doing for the night and is remembered as only that guy. He may have got in a fight with a bouncer twice his size or danced with every girl in sight no matter their work quality. He may have consistently yelled the whole night for no apparent reason or thrown up gang signs in every picture taken. No matter what it is he does in particular you will always remember him as "That Guy".

The pick for the month of October is Timmy Chorizo. Chorizo clearly showed "That Guy" qualities with a shirt implying his dick was made of chorizo and that if any girls would like to partake in some free samples he was game. Pure class all the way with Timmy. So heres to you Timmy Chorizo, we here at the Standard are happy to name you the first "That Guy" of the Jump Off Standard.

Transformers are Real

Hey everyone!!! My names Mikey and Im a recent graduate from San Francisco State University. I moved back to Southern California over a month ago to try to figure out what Im going to do with my life. Before I moved to so-cal I was a popular promoter in San Francisco.. so I thought. I would go go out to any club and receive VIP service without a question. We could go from bar to bar to bar to bar to club to bar to club to bar to club to club in a few hours. We would spend close to nothing on cover charges and drinks. I guess most of the money was spent on Taxi rides and midnight snacks. Some of my friends even went to the extra mile and ended up getting messages from those special places in the deep and dark crack central of a tenderloin. I never participated mainly because something about the Aids epidemic.. have you heard of it? Down here I haven't even hard about any happy ending spots. I barely hear about the party. I work as a bartender in Laguna at the newest club in the area and the party aint so great. 

So last night I met up with some of my boys and we decided to go for a night out on the town. The night first started in Irvine where, we all met up and had a tall glass of Evan Williams and Coke. Now Evan Williams might not show up on your Whisky Radar but let me tell you for a handle for $10 out the door you cant do any better. We made it over to this bar at the District in Tustin called The Auld Dubliner. It reminded me of a wanna be dive irish bar that had way too expensive drinks.. but amazing looking Jerrys that soon became Joeys that became Josephs. I was Shia Lebouf in the epic Transformers Movie.. and all the women were shifting right before my eyes. Soon after 3 Guinesses I noticed that a ring was gone. I looked all over the bar and then I found the most amazing Joseph in the world... could this be reality? And the first words that came out of my mouth were, "Have you seen my ring?" AHHHHHHH!!! It was over.. I proved to this Joseph that my ring was way more important than realizing her existence. 

A word to the wise... never ever ever get drunk at the Dub in Tustin and start a convo with " I lost $%&^*^%$!!!!" Cause your not just gonna loose that.. your gonna loose your only opening for that Joseph that was a Joey that was a Jerry. I wish I would have closed the deal so that I could see her transform back to a Jerry. Halloween could have came early this year for me. I guess Ill have to wait until Friday.

Party of the Week

The Party of the week for October 31st is the Halloween Masquerade Ball at the St. Francis

Halloween is just around the corner and I'm sure everyone is as pumped as us here at the Standard...why are we so pumped you ask? Girls in slutty costumes and a shit load of candy...do we need to say anything more?

Their are a bevy of parties going on this week, but the Standard has chosen the Halloween Masquerade Ball at the Westin St. Francis as the party of the week.

It was a long grueling process of 5 minutes debating which party to pick, but after noticing the Standard had 20 messages on Facebook from 4 different promoters for the St. Francis party we decided it was hands down the winner. A close second was Trick or Treat at Slide hosted by Michael Fitz.

Work Scale: There will be a strong showing of Joeys for sure, but the Jerrys will be so done up in costume I'm sure you won't be able to tell.

Possibility of you getting some: High

Address: 335 Powell st.(Union Square), San Francisco, CA

When: Ocotber 31st, Starting at 8:00 PM

Ticket Info: http://store.alistsf.com/hgenmuna08.html (MuNa Promotions)

For more info on either party you can comment on this post with your email and the Standard will send you any info you need.

Hitler Trick Bike

Hitler Trick Bike




This is pure hilariousness.

Comedy Scale: Legend

Bar of the Month

The Bar of the Month for October is Irish House

Bar Description: Johnny Foley's Irish House is a replication of some of the authentic elements that make the great pubs of Ireland truly unique. Born of painstaking attention to decorative detail and insistence on true craftsmanship, Johnny Foley's Irish House recalls the days when it was as vital to please the eye as the palette. Such pubs were usually found in the busier urban areas where patrons found solace away from the general hustle and bustle of city life or enjoyed a lively evening with friends in a convivial atmosphere. It was customary to find a series of "snugs" (small separately enclosed areas), within the traditional openness of these urban pubs.

Crowd: Tends to be an older crowd as the bar is located in the heart of tourist-ville downtown, but with a group it can be legend.

Frateyness Scale: 6

Work Scale: The bar is a good mix of Joeys and Jerrys, but the cougars are rampant so don't be discouraged at first as all it takes is a couple shots to make this the bar of the night.

Address: 243 O'Farrell Street, San Francisco, CA 94102

Liquor of the Month

The Liquor of the Month for October is Tanqueray Rangpur

Over the last 175 years Tanqueray has produced some of the best gins available. Their classic London Dry Gin can be set as a benchmark for real gin and the super-premium No. 10 with its citrus undertones redefined the Martini. Now, Tanqueray Rangpur hits another mark and adds to the brand's flavor portfolio. Tanqueray Rangpur is one of a new generation of gins that are competing with the large flavored vodka market, but with a style of it's own that clearly sets it apart.

For a Gin with a little twist of lime flavor, the Jump Off Standard recommends Tanqueray Rangpur. We here at the Standard enjoy it straight on the rocks. The drink allows others to know you drink with class and that your not just another college kid ordering a Jager Bomb. So next time your at the bar, The Standard recommends ordering a Rangpur hold the tonic.

The Tuck In Question

To Tuck In or To Not Tuck In

Now I have recentley been sporting the tuck in look and getting mixed feedback. Some think its too formal to tuck in, but in my opinion its based on what you are wearing not on the situation. If you are wearing a button down I would say go with the tuck in. It offers a much cleaner look especially with a nice belt. If you are wearing a t shirt or v neck I would go agaisnt the tuck in as you definetly will look much more computer nerd than suave.

Artist of the month

Artist of the month for October is Team Facelift

Here is their video "Shake That Ass"



"Shake That Ass" from triggerhappy on Vimeo.

Rating: Joey